24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
