I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
