we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
