I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
