she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
