The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
