I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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