you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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