Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
