I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
