hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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