Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
