Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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