wanna go halves on a baby?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
