Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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