Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
