I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
