Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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