remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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