the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
