No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
a search helicopter?!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
