I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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