Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
