The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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