My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
