dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
