Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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