My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
