just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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