i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
