is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
