Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drunk is not a location!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
