If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
