I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
