Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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