The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
