??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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