i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
