Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i drank out of a bidet.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
