On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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