saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
