i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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