they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
