I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
