I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I deserve this hangover.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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