saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
