My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
