how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my being single is dangerous.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
