He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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