Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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