Will you blow on my dice?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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