I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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