y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
