White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
