saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
someone owes me an orgasm
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
